WILL I EVER FORGIVE MYSELF: The love I thought I found.

Decritics, it’s all coming back to me like it was just yesterday. It keeps playing like a movie without an end. when all I ever wanted was his love.

“You are not even close to my type of lady” this is what he said to me.

Tears built up in my eyes, it felt like a dream and I wished I could wake up. But no, it wasn’t isn’t a dream. He stood angrily in front of me with the eyes of a lion. I slowly drifted to the beginning where it all start.

How it all Began

I had gain admission and reported to the university. He happened to be in my faculty, my hostel and my church. We only exchanged greetings then walk past each other without any personal relationship.

One day I needed a little help in fixing the light bulb in my room. He happened to be the only guy outside. He offered to help as a gentleman would.

After he fixed my bulb, he sat down to have a little chat with me. One thing lead to the other and before I realized we had made love. He then asked me to be his girlfriend. Little did I know he was dating a lady who happens to be in the same hostel.

The Lies that Held me in Bondage

He told me he would break up with her to be with me and I fell for it, that I was all he ever wanted. The voice of the devil I never recognize. He sneaked into my room and me into his to make love with every little chance we get.

It was fun and I loved it.  We fell in love with each other, at least that’s what I believed.

I felt jealous anytime I met him with his girlfriend. They bought each other presents, went out on dates, cooked and ate together, washed and study together whiles I was all alone. The only time and moment with us were sexual moments.

His girlfriend travelled for some days and I thought we could spend some quality time together and get to know each other. As the saying goes, when the cat is away, the mouse …, but hell no, things didn’t go the way I thought they would. He would just pass by, did what he was good at with me and left. The following day, I decided to talk to him concerning us, and that was when I had the shock of my life.

Here I was, all I ever wanted was to find my prince charming, and here I was thinking he was the one. And all I ever wanted from him was love, unconditional love as I have for him. I took him and accepted him even though he was dating.

My Regrets

Tears built up in my eyes as he shouted angrily at me for not giving him the only thing he want from me. “SEX”.   You are expecting so much from me, he said.

So I run out of my room barefooted till my feet could carry me no more. I knelt down on the ground with my head bowed and waited for God knows what.

What a fool I was. I thought to myself. How could I think he would ever break up with his girlfriend for me?

Would I be happy if I were in her shoes? what would she think of me if she found out her boyfriend was removing my pants at will with no shame?

Will I ever forgive myself?

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